WTF kind of conversation was that?

I had one hell of a conversation with my father last night. He actually had the balls to laugh at how hurt I'm feeling over this whole sudden reconnection. Then he told me I shouldn't feel that way. I told him it wasn't a matter of shouldn't as I am and we have to deal with that. I was so pissed. When asked what he wanted from me, he had no response. I had to confront him on his girlfriend, and moving. I told him that if he wants a relationship he needs to communicate. I'll be damned if I am going to talk about the fucking weather with him. that is meaningless.

I asked what he expected from me and he couldn't answer. I repeatedly asked him what he wants from me, and he couldn't answer. What the Hell! It hurts to have to have accepted the loss of the dad I knew, now he wants it to be back to normal when that is never going to happen. I'm sick of the lack of respect. I am sick of him not telling me what he wants from me. How am I supposed to move on or build a relationship if I don't know what he wants from me in this relationship?

I did call him out on all his shit and that felt good. I asked him what the difference was between his letter telling me that he regretted always being busy when I called, and him calling me while he is in his truck or on the yard talking to co-workers? I called him out on that hypocrisy. Or having to hear from others things going on in his life, I told him I'd rather hear it from him, even if it is adding more to the pile of crap. Just because I tend to break in an unhealthy way does not mean that I will break. Thank God for Jan last night. I had parked in front of her house to have this conversation and when she noticed me, she came out and got me off the phone.

It hurts too much! There is way too many emotions going on for me to process, and all I can think about is hurting myself in some way like hitting or cutting, after dealing with him. So at what point do I just cut the contact and give up for my own well being? Literally it took me up to a month ago to finally accept that my dad, the same one I had growing up was not coming back...then all of a sudden he wants everything back to normal.

I am so grateful I am 2000 miles away. At least I know he won't come visit. I know he doesn't care that much. Plus the new job limits his vacation time. I am grateful for the few people I have around me out here. The ones who can just give me a hug, or give me a hug and grilled cheese sandwich and beer.

Nice day,

Nice day so I went to starbucks, and it is absolutely freezing to sit here!!!!

I have to work at the theatre tonight but other than that I'm just looking for new places to live. Not really a bad thing but after the scare earlier this week with one of my future roommates bailing...I figured I would look anyway. Maybe I can talk this person in the Rochelle area down into more of my price range...we'll see, I just e-mailed them so you never know.

Off to the theatre and church.

Something strange...

Okay, so I just had an interesting experience this afternoon. My councelor, whom I run into on a regular basis at starbucks (because it is a small town) I got to meet her son today. Okay, totally the type of I guy I would fall for and a I had an immediate crush. He was cute and confident. It was just a funny thing to happen.

I think I am kind of reaching a point where I really doubt (due to my lack of self esteem) of ever finding a guy of my own. As much as I would love to meet someone, it probably just isn't practical right now. I don't know it is just a funny thought I had today. So I cross-stitched to get rid of the thought.

Overall I had a much better day than yesterday at work. But I expect to lose a lot of weight with my new student because every chance I get to eat, he tries to take my food from me or gets physical. I don't want to have to remove him from the class in order to successfully eat, he needs to learn, especially since his parents don't let him eat at the table with them. My current student just makes me wonder what kind of kid would he be if he had gotten the autism early interventions from the age of 2 or 3. My bet would be he could totally have been in a regular school and not someone with the mentality of a 2-4 year old in a 16 year old body.

Anyway, I have felt the need to write something small. I hope this is a good sign that writing could once again become my safe coping mechanism.

2 years have passed...

Okay, I apologize now for having not blogged in 2 years. I hope that there are still people who read this.

It has been a rough 2 years for me personally and I've been just trying to survive. So here is my thing...I decided that if blogging helped me survive New Orleans and PDA where I was the most stressed out, and had the least amount of time for myself, then I think the fact that I made time to blog helped me cope. So let me update:

In the past 2 years I have moved to DeKalb, IL, where I work at a tough but awesome job as a one on one in a school dedicated to special ed students, that home school districts can't help in their environments. My school has 35 different districts and 150 students roughly in it. After my first Christmas home, my parents split. That has really shaken my world but I am aware it is nothing that I can control.

For those who already know me super well, this won't be a surprise, but I've been struggling for years with cutting and being suicidal. The past year and a half, I've been struggling with it again. Now it used to come in waves that were some what manageable, but in the last year I couldn't fight it any more, and now I'm experiencing life on anti-depressants and am learning that everything isn't life or death the way it always felt.

I feel that my dad has fallen off the face of the earth. Despite my trying to call and e-mail I have received nothing for 4 months, until this week, where I get an e-card that wishes me a happy 27th birthday but I turned 28! And it tells me to call him. Including the books I requested, I got a card that tells me to call him. Why, might I ask should I call when I get blown off whenever I have called him, and then he doesn't put any effort in for the past 4 months? No I don't really need an answer just needed to get it off my chest.

Church-wise, I am plugged in, but really feel like the churches around here and the one I go to really doesn't welcome people well. I miss the hugs as I walk through the door, or the door being opened for me. There are only a handful of people who really care, and there is no church out here where there is a plethora of young adults my age or around my age that participate. I'll admit that I miss Convergence at UPC and just having the ability to go a worship where people my age are going through similar changes.

Taking care of myself is my new goal this year. I am seeing a great counselor, and I am learning that even on medication nothing is easy to deal with when I don't have positive coping mechanisms to use. I am hoping to go back to school because I love to learn. I am avoiding sports right now because I don't need to be any harder on myself by being competitive. I still don't have many friends out here, and I am coming to terms more with that. I spend most of my weekends either at Starbucks sitting in a corner by myself or even at church sitting using the Internet by myself. It really all comes down to how safe I'm currently feeling. If I'm at Starbucks, then I'm struggling to stay safe, and if I'm at church then I am just at a point where I need to be by myself.

I guess I need more than anything is to write and blog more often so that I can put myself back in a routine where I was more healthy than I currently am. New Orleans was that time for me. And I want to bring some of those things that helped me be healthy back into my life. One of them is writing more, and the other is designating more time in the evenings for personal self time.