WTF kind of conversation was that?

I had one hell of a conversation with my father last night. He actually had the balls to laugh at how hurt I'm feeling over this whole sudden reconnection. Then he told me I shouldn't feel that way. I told him it wasn't a matter of shouldn't as I am and we have to deal with that. I was so pissed. When asked what he wanted from me, he had no response. I had to confront him on his girlfriend, and moving. I told him that if he wants a relationship he needs to communicate. I'll be damned if I am going to talk about the fucking weather with him. that is meaningless.

I asked what he expected from me and he couldn't answer. I repeatedly asked him what he wants from me, and he couldn't answer. What the Hell! It hurts to have to have accepted the loss of the dad I knew, now he wants it to be back to normal when that is never going to happen. I'm sick of the lack of respect. I am sick of him not telling me what he wants from me. How am I supposed to move on or build a relationship if I don't know what he wants from me in this relationship?

I did call him out on all his shit and that felt good. I asked him what the difference was between his letter telling me that he regretted always being busy when I called, and him calling me while he is in his truck or on the yard talking to co-workers? I called him out on that hypocrisy. Or having to hear from others things going on in his life, I told him I'd rather hear it from him, even if it is adding more to the pile of crap. Just because I tend to break in an unhealthy way does not mean that I will break. Thank God for Jan last night. I had parked in front of her house to have this conversation and when she noticed me, she came out and got me off the phone.

It hurts too much! There is way too many emotions going on for me to process, and all I can think about is hurting myself in some way like hitting or cutting, after dealing with him. So at what point do I just cut the contact and give up for my own well being? Literally it took me up to a month ago to finally accept that my dad, the same one I had growing up was not coming back...then all of a sudden he wants everything back to normal.

I am so grateful I am 2000 miles away. At least I know he won't come visit. I know he doesn't care that much. Plus the new job limits his vacation time. I am grateful for the few people I have around me out here. The ones who can just give me a hug, or give me a hug and grilled cheese sandwich and beer.