2 years have passed...

Okay, I apologize now for having not blogged in 2 years. I hope that there are still people who read this.

It has been a rough 2 years for me personally and I've been just trying to survive. So here is my thing...I decided that if blogging helped me survive New Orleans and PDA where I was the most stressed out, and had the least amount of time for myself, then I think the fact that I made time to blog helped me cope. So let me update:

In the past 2 years I have moved to DeKalb, IL, where I work at a tough but awesome job as a one on one in a school dedicated to special ed students, that home school districts can't help in their environments. My school has 35 different districts and 150 students roughly in it. After my first Christmas home, my parents split. That has really shaken my world but I am aware it is nothing that I can control.

For those who already know me super well, this won't be a surprise, but I've been struggling for years with cutting and being suicidal. The past year and a half, I've been struggling with it again. Now it used to come in waves that were some what manageable, but in the last year I couldn't fight it any more, and now I'm experiencing life on anti-depressants and am learning that everything isn't life or death the way it always felt.

I feel that my dad has fallen off the face of the earth. Despite my trying to call and e-mail I have received nothing for 4 months, until this week, where I get an e-card that wishes me a happy 27th birthday but I turned 28! And it tells me to call him. Including the books I requested, I got a card that tells me to call him. Why, might I ask should I call when I get blown off whenever I have called him, and then he doesn't put any effort in for the past 4 months? No I don't really need an answer just needed to get it off my chest.

Church-wise, I am plugged in, but really feel like the churches around here and the one I go to really doesn't welcome people well. I miss the hugs as I walk through the door, or the door being opened for me. There are only a handful of people who really care, and there is no church out here where there is a plethora of young adults my age or around my age that participate. I'll admit that I miss Convergence at UPC and just having the ability to go a worship where people my age are going through similar changes.

Taking care of myself is my new goal this year. I am seeing a great counselor, and I am learning that even on medication nothing is easy to deal with when I don't have positive coping mechanisms to use. I am hoping to go back to school because I love to learn. I am avoiding sports right now because I don't need to be any harder on myself by being competitive. I still don't have many friends out here, and I am coming to terms more with that. I spend most of my weekends either at Starbucks sitting in a corner by myself or even at church sitting using the Internet by myself. It really all comes down to how safe I'm currently feeling. If I'm at Starbucks, then I'm struggling to stay safe, and if I'm at church then I am just at a point where I need to be by myself.

I guess I need more than anything is to write and blog more often so that I can put myself back in a routine where I was more healthy than I currently am. New Orleans was that time for me. And I want to bring some of those things that helped me be healthy back into my life. One of them is writing more, and the other is designating more time in the evenings for personal self time.