WTF kind of conversation was that?

I had one hell of a conversation with my father last night. He actually had the balls to laugh at how hurt I'm feeling over this whole sudden reconnection. Then he told me I shouldn't feel that way. I told him it wasn't a matter of shouldn't as I am and we have to deal with that. I was so pissed. When asked what he wanted from me, he had no response. I had to confront him on his girlfriend, and moving. I told him that if he wants a relationship he needs to communicate. I'll be damned if I am going to talk about the fucking weather with him. that is meaningless.

I asked what he expected from me and he couldn't answer. I repeatedly asked him what he wants from me, and he couldn't answer. What the Hell! It hurts to have to have accepted the loss of the dad I knew, now he wants it to be back to normal when that is never going to happen. I'm sick of the lack of respect. I am sick of him not telling me what he wants from me. How am I supposed to move on or build a relationship if I don't know what he wants from me in this relationship?

I did call him out on all his shit and that felt good. I asked him what the difference was between his letter telling me that he regretted always being busy when I called, and him calling me while he is in his truck or on the yard talking to co-workers? I called him out on that hypocrisy. Or having to hear from others things going on in his life, I told him I'd rather hear it from him, even if it is adding more to the pile of crap. Just because I tend to break in an unhealthy way does not mean that I will break. Thank God for Jan last night. I had parked in front of her house to have this conversation and when she noticed me, she came out and got me off the phone.

It hurts too much! There is way too many emotions going on for me to process, and all I can think about is hurting myself in some way like hitting or cutting, after dealing with him. So at what point do I just cut the contact and give up for my own well being? Literally it took me up to a month ago to finally accept that my dad, the same one I had growing up was not coming back...then all of a sudden he wants everything back to normal.

I am so grateful I am 2000 miles away. At least I know he won't come visit. I know he doesn't care that much. Plus the new job limits his vacation time. I am grateful for the few people I have around me out here. The ones who can just give me a hug, or give me a hug and grilled cheese sandwich and beer.

Nice day,

Nice day so I went to starbucks, and it is absolutely freezing to sit here!!!!

I have to work at the theatre tonight but other than that I'm just looking for new places to live. Not really a bad thing but after the scare earlier this week with one of my future roommates bailing...I figured I would look anyway. Maybe I can talk this person in the Rochelle area down into more of my price range...we'll see, I just e-mailed them so you never know.

Off to the theatre and church.

Something strange...

Okay, so I just had an interesting experience this afternoon. My councelor, whom I run into on a regular basis at starbucks (because it is a small town) I got to meet her son today. Okay, totally the type of I guy I would fall for and a I had an immediate crush. He was cute and confident. It was just a funny thing to happen.

I think I am kind of reaching a point where I really doubt (due to my lack of self esteem) of ever finding a guy of my own. As much as I would love to meet someone, it probably just isn't practical right now. I don't know it is just a funny thought I had today. So I cross-stitched to get rid of the thought.

Overall I had a much better day than yesterday at work. But I expect to lose a lot of weight with my new student because every chance I get to eat, he tries to take my food from me or gets physical. I don't want to have to remove him from the class in order to successfully eat, he needs to learn, especially since his parents don't let him eat at the table with them. My current student just makes me wonder what kind of kid would he be if he had gotten the autism early interventions from the age of 2 or 3. My bet would be he could totally have been in a regular school and not someone with the mentality of a 2-4 year old in a 16 year old body.

Anyway, I have felt the need to write something small. I hope this is a good sign that writing could once again become my safe coping mechanism.

2 years have passed...

Okay, I apologize now for having not blogged in 2 years. I hope that there are still people who read this.

It has been a rough 2 years for me personally and I've been just trying to survive. So here is my thing...I decided that if blogging helped me survive New Orleans and PDA where I was the most stressed out, and had the least amount of time for myself, then I think the fact that I made time to blog helped me cope. So let me update:

In the past 2 years I have moved to DeKalb, IL, where I work at a tough but awesome job as a one on one in a school dedicated to special ed students, that home school districts can't help in their environments. My school has 35 different districts and 150 students roughly in it. After my first Christmas home, my parents split. That has really shaken my world but I am aware it is nothing that I can control.

For those who already know me super well, this won't be a surprise, but I've been struggling for years with cutting and being suicidal. The past year and a half, I've been struggling with it again. Now it used to come in waves that were some what manageable, but in the last year I couldn't fight it any more, and now I'm experiencing life on anti-depressants and am learning that everything isn't life or death the way it always felt.

I feel that my dad has fallen off the face of the earth. Despite my trying to call and e-mail I have received nothing for 4 months, until this week, where I get an e-card that wishes me a happy 27th birthday but I turned 28! And it tells me to call him. Including the books I requested, I got a card that tells me to call him. Why, might I ask should I call when I get blown off whenever I have called him, and then he doesn't put any effort in for the past 4 months? No I don't really need an answer just needed to get it off my chest.

Church-wise, I am plugged in, but really feel like the churches around here and the one I go to really doesn't welcome people well. I miss the hugs as I walk through the door, or the door being opened for me. There are only a handful of people who really care, and there is no church out here where there is a plethora of young adults my age or around my age that participate. I'll admit that I miss Convergence at UPC and just having the ability to go a worship where people my age are going through similar changes.

Taking care of myself is my new goal this year. I am seeing a great counselor, and I am learning that even on medication nothing is easy to deal with when I don't have positive coping mechanisms to use. I am hoping to go back to school because I love to learn. I am avoiding sports right now because I don't need to be any harder on myself by being competitive. I still don't have many friends out here, and I am coming to terms more with that. I spend most of my weekends either at Starbucks sitting in a corner by myself or even at church sitting using the Internet by myself. It really all comes down to how safe I'm currently feeling. If I'm at Starbucks, then I'm struggling to stay safe, and if I'm at church then I am just at a point where I need to be by myself.

I guess I need more than anything is to write and blog more often so that I can put myself back in a routine where I was more healthy than I currently am. New Orleans was that time for me. And I want to bring some of those things that helped me be healthy back into my life. One of them is writing more, and the other is designating more time in the evenings for personal self time.

Hello Employment

Again, it has been a long time since I've blogged last. Really I think that was because I have been bored and didn't think that my life was worth writing about...Well November is full of changes!

I have a new job that I start on Monday the 2nd! I will be working as a one on one para educator in a school for autistic children. I have no idea what age level I'll be working with, but I'm really excited for this job. I don't think I've wanted a job more. And I'm excited for the challenge. Thank you to all who helped me get this job! Another excitement of this job is that it is the same school that my roommate works at so we will be able to carpool! I'm hoping we aren't in the same classroom, because our apartment isn't big enough for us to spend all hours of the day together, but we will manage!

Let me tell you about the new apartment. We moved from Jessie's studio apartment in DeKalb, IL to a 1 bedroom basement apartment in Sycamore (the next city east). Our friends (Jessie's friends) had just bought a house that closed at the beginning of Aug, and we helped them paint the main level, and brought us down here to the basement to see if this would be something Jessie would be interested in. It wasn't too long after that when I decided I was moving out here. Robert and Melinda couldn't get their antique bed upstairs so I didn't have to go buy a bed! I'm using that one and we set up Jessie's loft bed perpendicular to the queen bed I'm sleeping on. We have a good size living room with lots of books! and I love the kitchen! I'm the only cook in the apartment, but at least I've had that to fill my days with over the last two months. Our computers are side by side and I sit on the ottoman up against the wall to use as a desk chair. We also have a love seat to watch movies on or harbor guests for the night. We are getting another love seat as soon as we can find someone with a truck we can use. The newer love seat is at church in storage for us waiting. We also have the best bathroom in the house. It has a whirlpool tub with jets!. There is a little hallway that goes to no where just past the entrance to the bathroom and we built Jessie a closet unit so that us two girls could have separate closets! It was a lot of fun to build that together, and finally have all our stuff in place!

I can't believe that October is coming to a close already! I'm no where closer to making any friends out here, which is odd for me. I'm going to go to a new church on Sunday, I like working with the college group at Jessie's church but I'm not feeling like that is the right community for me, and it is time for me to start looking for some place new. This new church is large like UPC so I'm hoping that they will have a lot of people my age to connect with. I think I'm going to go check out the Lutheran Campus Ministries, and see if they have some sort of activity for graduate age level students. I'm tired of not having my own friends, and tagging along with Jessie, just to get out of the apartment.

What else...I've started running every afternoon with the dog, and that has been amazing...I'm hoping that the weather stays nice for a little while longer so I can keep this up. Halloween will be fun from my perspective. The rest of the house hold is going to a Halloween party and I'm manning the door and utilizing Robert and Melinda's TV to watch Ghost Hunters Live! It has been a tradition of mine for the last 3 Halloweens, and I'm looking forward to a 4th year. I look forward to being on my own that night, and will be great! I'm just not in the mood to try and find a costume at this point! That and I will get a lot of crocheting done.

With that, I think this entry is done. I need to do the dishes, and I'm stalling...Hope everyone is doing well! TTFN

2 months since the last post...

Wow, wow, where to begin...

First and foremost, I should mention that I am no longer working with PDA. New opportunities arose, and have sent me to IL. Yup, that is right, I'm back in the mid-west! I would have never guessed it, but here I am. I was in Seattle for 2 weeks, just long enough to pack my car, say good bye and drive out here.

Now the job search begins. I'm almost to the desperate part of applying for Target. At least Target would be something I already knew. There is a little bit of comfort in that.

Jessie is my roommate now, and she is taking me to get my sub teaching cert. on Monday. and I'm applying for a position at the school she works at that is basically a classroom paraprofessional position. The job title is classroom counselor, but the whole school is a self-contained special ed/alternative ed school. It is both privately and publicly funded, but is considered specifically a privet school. Sounds like a job right up my ally, at least until I get the nerve up to go back to school. I'm holding off on that until at least next fall, so that I'll have residency.

Jessie and I moved into a basement apartment 1bedroom, of a house where some friends of ours just bought and moved into. It is a great place! We are finally finishing up unpacking and this place really feels like home. All I need to survive now is the Internet, so I don't have to spend the days at the library here to get online. Jessie is already complaining that I'm trying to make her fat by cooking...she has lived off of cereal and yogurt, and microwave meals for the last year. But I'm cooking real dinners for us.

I get the apt. to myself with the dog this weekend as Jessie heads to a wedding in MI with her family. I'll be pretty lonely but I'm sure I'll survive. I wish everyone from Seattle could come see this place. It has a big back yard with a fire pit in it. and I can see a whole lot of stars from the back yard at night. It is a little weird being in a small town, but cool at the same time.

My cousin is running in the Chicago Marathon in Oct, and we are going to get together. I'm going to try and get out there to watch him finish...at least that is my hope...I'm not sure what parking is going to look like down there. I have yet to make the drive into Chi-town on my own. I'll have to do that before the marathon just to learn where I'm going.

Well that is the update on me, I need to head home and take care of Molly, and feed myself while I'm at it. Hope y'all are doing well, and I'll try to update more often than I have. But for now it is hard with limited net access.

God Bless

Pray for my patience...

1. I've been really sick all week!
2. Group leaves 8pm Fri.
3. Phone call at 8:30am Sat. morning
4. Group from South NJ, (Near PA) arrives at 2:30pm
A. Me sitting in my office, Team Leader comes in, "what's for dinner?"
1)We don't provide meals for Sat. It is technically our day off, and it is expected that you are going out to provide your own meal.
B. That wasn't the case last year.
1)Lots have changed from last year...I don't have a problem getting food together for you but I need to be invovled in the process because what you choose to eat tonight cuts into what is planned out for the rest of the week.
C. Well, we've been down 4 yrs in a row now and this hasn't been a problem.
1)Not a problem, I'm just telling you that with my budget, things have changed a bit. I don't mind cooking something for you, it just needs to be factored in with the food I've already boughted for the week as a whole, and I need to be involved in this process.
D. Well, we don't want to cut into your day off.
1) That is very kind of you, but as soon as you arrived, my job starts.
E. Well, it wasn't like this last year.
2) I understand this, but HQ has put more rules in place, and I've tried to organize them into the working camp here. We can figure something out, I have leftovers we can reheat.
F. Why isn't everything the same?
1) Because the way food was organized last year, was hemoraging money, and we need to be good stewards of our resources.
G. Well, then where can we go to eat?
1) There is Remulades on Bourbon, there are lots of places to eat in town. I guess it depends on what you want to eat.
H. Just tell us a place.

At this point I took them to Remulades, and there was going to be an hour wait...which they whinned about. So we went to the sugar shack...Made me pay for my own. And then complained when we got back to camp that I wasn't going to lakeview pres with them...I'm sorry, I told them I wanted to back to City Church which they were welcome to come with me, but the service last week lasted 3 hours and I had no idea how long it would last this Sun. I love the fact that this group of adults makes me want to teach Jr. Highers more than anything else in the world. Silly adults...START ACTING LIKE ONE!!!